Transcribed interview

Heather Molloy Interview

: [00:00:16] Wow that's a loaded question.

: [00:00:17] Ok so the town I am from is so small there is one main street.

: [00:00:23] There's not like it's a great town to grow up and Wellsville but it's like two hours from everything. Two hours from Buffalo two hours ish from Rochester.

: [00:00:33] It's just I mean there are more cows than there are people probably and I had originally planned after high school to go to school in California. But that fell through. So there I was graduated. It was the summer I was supposed to like before I was supposed to go off to college. And I had nothing to do and pretty much my whole like a I don't want to say I'm a boring person but like my strongest thing in school was academics. I was in a lot of like AP classes and that is kind of what makes the whole like California situation kind of ironic because I totally didn't need to take it but I strapped another math class onto my schedule. I had no lunch my senior year of high school I ate during advanced Spanish which was great. And I I hated it. I failed it. It was the only class I've ever failed. And essentially the school in California Santa Cruz which is another school that is like totally not like they have a day where they celebrate 420 in a field like they're pretty laid back. So they were like Yeah we see that you failed this class. It doesn't align with the rest like your academic record which at that point like that was pretty good.

: [00:01:52] I was like oh Fuck! what do i do with my life!

: [00:01:55] So yeah I guess that turned into sort of a gap year and not too much happening in that time just kind of work. Tried to think like what am I going to do. And one of my friends from high school also took a gap year so that was nice because there are a lot of like late night which is such a thing in New York and like in cities people don't just go on drives for fun. Let me tell you something when the country is like the cow tipping does not happen. Like I don't even know where that came from. Maybe in like the 50s but you get in a car and you just drive around back dirt roads in the middle of night hoping that I don't know you don't get abducted in a cornfield or something. But like that's what you do. So he did that a lot.

: [00:02:36] So I don't I don't even know what it was it was probably at that point in the fall of that following year after I'd graduated that I just googled unconventional colleges and lo and behold Evergreen State College and it's very weird.

: [00:02:53] You take one like class quarter the school year is chopped into four different like mini semesters and the one class you take you have like four professors.

: [00:03:07] And it's like just this really immersive kind of thing where they mushed together all these different topics. And at that point don't ask me why but I was like yeah you know what political science.

: [00:03:18] Whoa depressing as shit one day we spent an entire day watching videos from 9 11 which was which was fun. Mind you this class started out like 7 in the morning and it went till like a little bit like lunchtime is like 1:00 o'clock ish I walked out of there and I was like what is life!

: [00:03:40] So yeah about Thanksgiving I was like this. I am miserable like it is so true what they say about East Coast West Coast sort of like I don't know vibes or whatever. And I felt for the first time in my life like an angry old man that just wanted to like yell at people to get off my lawn. Hippie is like the best way to describe it like Birkenstocks bare feet everywhere. Bunch like wanna be little Eminem fuck boys is the only term that suits it. They're like yeah. What are we doing this weekend. Oh we're going to the cafe and I don't even know that. I don't even know. So yeah I did a what does effectively like one semester there and I was like I'm out of here. And during that time one of my trips home over Thanksgiving because it's a really long you know it's a six hour flight from Seattle to like Chicago Philly or whatever and then like another couple of hours two or four hours to get to Buffalo and then a two hour drive from Buffalo to my hometown.

: [00:04:45] So I got to like I will never fly again. I got stuck for a couple of days in Chicago and that was just miserable.

: [00:04:51] I don't think I've ever like I was preserved in my own juices at that time. It was miserable. It was just so bad. So then after that I go home again. And it's like right back to the drawing board back to Wellsville or the vill as it's affectionately known by nobody ever.

: [00:05:12] So yeah. At that point I was like alright going out of state is way too expensive. There's no way fifty grand a year.

: [00:05:21] I was miserable like let's stay let's stay close to home. Let's look at the East Coast. So I was like alright. What do I like. What do I even do in my spare time. I like movies.

: [00:05:33] So I actually even think in Evergreen. If you had to you had to meet with one of the four professors and kind of like how are you feeling. What's what's going on. And you would have to write like a little statement you would review their performance as a teacher and then like review of.

: [00:05:51] Yeah. Yeah a little bit very like oh I am not the as one of my teachers in high school used to say who I fucking hated. I am not the sage on the stage. I am the guide on the side. So it was very much like work and it just kind to teach you. But also like make you teach yourself. So I wrote something in something like Oh is Stanley Kubrick once said you either care or you don't. And he was like I see that you've mentioned Kubrick in this little review of your performance in a political science class like two times and I was like Yeah I don't want to do this anymore. So I'm back at home.

: [00:06:30] I'm like all right. You want to do something with film or media or television. But I don't really have a creative bone in my body. I don't think personally oh god that's so awful to say about myself.

: [00:06:44] So yeah right Im gonna stay in New York. Let's do this. So at that point another Google Search is opened and I'm just looking at colleges in New York State. 

: [00:07:04] So for a long time after I left evergreen and came back to well as well. So essentially Seattle New York rural New York. I was miserable because not only like my whole life basically my oh my worth was my grades. I was always the smart one in my family. I was the first one to really and still am the first one to go away to college and that's like that's such a off. This is an awful thing to say but it has a lot of pressure to always be like you have to perform. You are this smart like and everything you've been now like my being able to go to school here and afford it and everything is all contingent on my grades and you know. So whatever blah blah blah it's so difficult to be me. So just going like there was just a lot of I felt so shameful because I was like not only did I screwed up going to the other college which in retrospect I would have been so fucking miserable at Santa Cruz too. So I'm glad that didn't pan out. But like I lost that because I made a stupid decision thinking you know what I'm not good at math but I'm going to take this advanced college level whatever like the next step of the college level math I already barely passed just because like it's going to look good and like I have to do it. I have to keep whatever and then being at Evergreen and thinking Yeah this is going to be perfect for me.

: [00:08:23] And then just like leaving even though I finished and you know the credits transferred here and I did well like I don't know like just I feel like I made so many of these decisions in my life drama thinking like this is what I should do or this will make me happy. And it's more of like the idea of it than the actual.

: [00:08:45] I made the decision to move across the country having never ever in my entire life been to the west coast.

: [00:08:53] So like I don't know and then like I moved to New York after visiting here once to go to MoMA.

: [00:09:00] I've always just like Yeah so when I was home I was just dealing a lot without like what it's like what am I doing is my life I'm not only wasting my time like because at this point so many of the people I graduated with either jumped straight into like tech school which is really common like an area that we are or they like the military or they were like four year school gonna graduate going to oh god so many people I know have mortgages and babies and I'm just like I don't even know how taxes work.

: [00:09:29] So I was just like I don't waste my time like at this point. So I just turned 21 so I started everything in my life just didn't follow like the plan that I thought it was going to and like...

: [00:09:42] Like I am the person I am going to do this and do that and get great grades and everything is just going to line up and be perfect.

: [00:09:50] So it was just a lot to think like wow I fucked up i wasted my parents money and like we have like I have these loans now and I don't know what I'm doing. Like I'm totally lost. I'm supposed to be the one in the family that is like got it figured out and like. So a lot of it just being at home it was bad. I was I felt so shitty.

: [00:10:11] I didn't like for the longest time like I cut off all contact with my friends and I. Which is the worst thing you can do probably when you're in a bad spot. And like I run my mouth a lot I'd like to think I love talking. And I like for a whole that whole time I was just like you know what I'm just going to be little I'm just whatever. And the first time actually that I ever got super super super drunk. Which all my life growing up like you know you drink whatever when you're not supposed to because like you're a teenager and you like and beer. And I had never really been interested in drinking to get drunk. I was just like if I enjoy the taste. Yeah I was that kid I was that kid. So one night I was like you know what I just know I'm so like I overthink everything I think about everything. Let's just get drunk. I don't even know ohh to this day. It was like this is going to I hate it when people like list off the stuff that they've been drinking. But it was like I had orange juice and like Veoh which is like Canadian rum or something whatever. Don't ask me why I did that. I really like orange juice. I almost said potassium that's bananas Orange juice is  Vitamin C.

: [00:11:21] So and red wine to this day I used to love red wine like my aunts on my father's side they're all very like wine connoisseur. So it was always like a nice family dinners. We all have wine talk. Even the smell of it and I like the gag reflex gets going.

: [00:11:38] But it was so bad. I got so drunk at home at night like it's like 1:00 in the morning went up and I woke up. This is the best story to tell about myself. I woke up on the couch and it was one of those drunks where you're like in and out of consciousness or whatever you wake up you're like OK I'm aware in this moment but I guess what I had done and this was like you know my brother who was still living at home at the time was going to work and my mom who's a schoolteacher was getting ready to go to work.

: [00:12:08] So they were both up and they like all right whatever there is on the couch at 5:00 in the morning. Lets no question that. And I guess I just sat up and turned and projectile vomited. And to this day you'll be happy to know there is a stain on our carpet in our living room where my vomit went and I don't remember this at all.

: [00:12:27] They're like yeah you just sat up and it was like exorcist says except instead of pea soup it was red because red and orange juice. So yeah. And then a little later I came to and I just like I remember this part like sitting up and just throwing up all over myself. I think I like I was I just I took off my pants and I just sat on our bathroom floor and slept it off. It was the worst experience ever and I was like All right this is the low point. Let's let's not do that again.

: [00:12:57] So then a little bit after that. I like looking at colleges again because I'm like I I just have to do something with myself like I've got to do something other than because the formula a lot is. You have to go after school. Come back to Wellsville get married two car garage kids which is nothing wrong with that but then like you're stuck there. And then your best friend's kids are there and then leave their kids are best friends and they play peewee football together and you hate your life and you just drink beer and a lawnmower and that's a highlight of your Sundays which is. There is nothing wrong with that. But not for me. So yeah. And then I found Hunter and it worked out that my same friend who had taken a gap year. She goes to Parsons here in the city and she was like You know I've always pictured you as being like you're in the city like it just fits your personality so much like what you like to do. And we both kind of share the same kind of passion for movies and shit. So we talk about movies together all the time and she was like yeah you know New York is a good place to be because it is it's New York or Los Angeles and obviously I'm going back over on that.

: [00:13:56] I will never as far as I'm concerned Ohio over does not exist. Not part of the country. I'm never going back.

: [00:14:04] So. Yeah. Looked up Hunter realize it was affordable. Realize that I could probably get in. And yeah it ended up working out that like all of my tuition is paid. Other than dorming. It's far far enough away because I never wanted to be like like I could have gone to. There is so Alfred University which is about not even 35 minutes away from where I live. It's a very small college town even smaller than the town I'm from.

: [00:14:33] So yeah I don't want to go there. So I think that's always an option. But like everyone goes there to become a nurse. . We need nurses. I love it but like I would be a terrible nurse. People would be dead. That's all I'm saying.

: [00:14:48] So I was like No I have to get farther away from home because I have to just figure out what I'm doing with my life and like you know typical indie movie about someone like me. So then I don't know I just ended up going to Hauner and I loved it and like the city which is so like it's so jarring to go because I go home. You know like the longer breaks like you know when you're starting to get closer because they're like there's more just like farming lands and cows and the streets get way wider and there's sidewalks that you could walk like five people with width down. And you know there's the one main street with the blinking lights that go to yellow after midnight and like it is a culture shock like you know here in the city and you don't it's like with the whole sound walk thing. You don't realize like I'm hearing all these sounds like construction people whatever you like. It's like just like background noise.

: [00:15:45] And then you go home and like all you hear are crickets and peepers do you know that peepers are OK so peepers in the spring. Are a type of frog that comes out and I know you're probably listening to this and you're thinking is a fucking like it's a real thing they are frogs and they just it's the most beautiful sound but you could go. They OK. So I guess like people said they don't know what Peeper sound like this is going to be a whole tangent but you have probably heard them like in movies or it's almost like a cricket sound.

: [00:16:18] It's like this high pitched like "meep meep  we like that description. And I know you're thinking to yourself I don't want to go out in a field and hear a bunch. But it is like the most beautiful sound and it's just it's the sound of home! but yeah it is a big culture shock and I still don't know what I'm doing.

: [00:16:38] I have no idea and I feel like I'm not like New York of course it just and I'm not a very ambitious person like I do what I have to do and I feel like you know I you know what but I'm not like out here cutting throats to get things done. I just feel like sometimes like all these people are like yeah I'm in city and I met this person I've got connections and I have a briefcase and I'm just like I use the same bat L.L. Bean backpack my mother bought me for a birthday present in the beginning of a high school that is plaid like I don't know but I like it. I think it's good I finally feel like OK New York is where I'm supposed to be as cliche as that sounds and just I actually don't hate what I'm doing which is such a surprise because I guess they say like that's what college is supposed to be. You're supposed to do the things are interest in.

: [00:17:45] So all right here's the thing. Me two three years ago talking to me now are you. That's not phrased right.

: [00:17:53] So you had to go back and tell myself just having gotten out of all of those terrible like life school situations.

: [00:18:03] God first of all don't drink shit that is gonna make you vomit all over yourself.

: [00:18:11] It's not cute. But don't don't think that you have to do. Like you don't have to go all the way across the country to prove a point to people that like you're breaking away from the norm like it's okay to fuck up. It's okay to make a lot of bad decisions and jump into things but also maybe take a step back and think Am I the sort of person that could walk around in public and barefoot and be cool with it.

: [00:18:44] Like I don't know.

: [00:18:47] Maybe not put so many expectations on myself so soon to figure out things.

: [00:19:10] So here's the thing I always had this theory that like I really feel like I'm going to die young and not like in a dream like I don't know. So if I live past 35 hypothetically I feel like all of the things I've experienced even not even just from like high school to now being 21 which you know ooh a big milestone.

: [00:19:32] But just like life in general is just like you're not like defined by the ways that you screw up. You're defined by what you do after you've screwed up and the screwing up sometimes is the fun part.

: [00:19:46] I cringe at like remembering. Oh yeah when I was stuck in that airport the one time coming back I like had to dig through a garbage can because I'm threw away my ticket. And I was stuck in an airport for two days and I went across the country stupidly just because I want to do it like ahhh small town life like. I love telling those stories now. It was my most miserable and probably the lowest point in my life. But it's like I love telling story of it because I always can make people laugh. And I think it is true what they say that like the best laughter the best happiness in life is kind of like pouring out of really terrible things are like shitty situations.

: [00:20:27] So yeah I feel like oh God I don't want to say don't take things as seriously. But I think I don't when I do screw up I don't automatically think like well you know you've blown it like what are you going to do now. Like there's there's no option because there's always an option even if like you screw up and the next option is screwing up worse it's still an option.